I see clients make these 5 types of divorce mistakes. I’m sharing them here because I want you to avoid them like the plague.
Divorce Mistake #1: Not Looking Far Enough Into The Future
People are in such a rush to get their divorce over with that they aren’t thinking much about their life post divorce. This comes into play primarily when they share children. Or they’re behaving in a mean and nasty way and are not contemplating that it may come back to bite them. A real fact of divorce is that life goes on and you need to participate. Soccer games will still happen. Piano recitals are being scheduled. Graduations and engagement parties are in the works. Weddings are getting planned and babies are on their way. And you and your ex will be invited to every single one of these events. You are not going to escape your ex short of death or running away. Doesn’t it behoove you to behave during your divorce in a manner that your future self would be proud of? You’ll want to be able to be together in a picture, without throwing up, on prom night when your daughter or son wants to take a picture with their parents. You’ll want to be able to sit in the front row of your child’s wedding, with your ex not too far away, and your child not stressing out about their parents’ childishness. You can’t control the other person but you can control yourself. Don’t be a pushover, but don’t behave disrespectfully either. Be professional in your divorce proceedings and you’ll find you’ll be able to dance into your new life with one less piece of baggage. God knows we all have enough baggage already.
Divorce Mistake #2: Not Being Realistic About The Finances
This often comes into play in regards to the family home. Most of the time, but not always, it’s the woman who wants to hold onto the house. That’s all fine and good but if you can’t afford it then you shouldn’t keep it. They usually want to hold onto the house for the kids or because they put so much love and care into the home. Once again these things are not wrong, but having a home is more than just the mortgage payment. It’s about regular upkeep and maintenance. Not to mention the fact that your mortgage payment may be higher once you refinance to take your ex off the mortgage and title, and they receive their share of the equity. Of course you’ll receive your share of the equity as well but it will be locked up in the house and not liquid. If you’re going to do this then you need to have a good savings habit so you can prepare for the rainy days that are going to come. If you need help with your savings habit I suggest you look into working with Brie Sodano who is a good friend of mine and will help you change your money life.
Divorce Mistake #3: Allowing The Kids To Be Privy To Divorce Negotiations
Young kids and grown kids need to be protected from your divorce negotiations. This is private information between the two of you, not them. It does them no good to be in the middle. They should never be allowed in the same room where your negotiations are taking place. If you are conducting your divorce via Zoom or another online platform your young children probably shouldn’t even be at home. If your grown children live with you then you should be behind closed doors and let them know what you’re doing and that you need your privacy. They don’t need to carry your stress with them.
Divorce Mistake #4: Being Stuck In Your Emotions
Divorce is very emotional. Of course it’s emotional. You fell in love with someone and built a life together and now you have to part and disentangle it all. But if you get stuck in your emotions you will not be able to finish your divorce well. You need to be able to deal with your emotions and then put them away. You have to take all your strong emotions, put them on the shelf and then put on your game face for negotiations. When your negotiations are done for the day then you can take your emotions off the shelf and deal with them. This is so much harder than it sounds. It’s not an easy thing to do. However, you just need to be able to hold yourself together for a couple of hours at a time. If you don’t deal with these emotions and don’t put them in check at the appropriate times you’ll make bad decisions that don’t make financial sense. You’ll do something detrimental to your cause like filing a false child abuse claim, or physically assaulting your spouse, or sending them a poop pie. You’ll look really bad, and more importantly you’ll look back years later and be really disappointed with how you handled yourself. You cannot allow your emotions to cloud your judgment.
Divorce Mistake #5: Not Going To Therapy
This ties in directly with divorce mistake #4. Going to therapy will help you process your emotions and you’ll learn techniques to deal with them in a healthy manner. Many times people know they need to go to therapy but since their insurance doesn’t cover it, or they can’t find a provider who will take their insurance, they don’t go. The world is very expensive right now but we all know we have a little bit of money that we waste every month; we spend it on things we don’t really need or we don’t use the thing when we do get it. Comb through your finances and see if you can scrape enough money together to afford one session of therapy a month. Your friends and family will thank you. If you’re really struggling emotionally they may even be willing to contribute a few dollars to help you afford a session. You will leave your sessions as a happier person because you’ve gotten some real help. Your therapist will be able to help you in ways that talking with your friends and pastor can’t. Please do not make this mistake. Give therapy a chance.
Now that you know what to divorce mistakes to avoid you can go out and have a more successful divorce.